Garance's History of the United States

by emptywheel

Garance Franke-Ruta has a new policy. No links to pseudonymous writers.

Having studied the way communist governments just excise whole bits of their history when they grow embarrassed by them, I'm utterly tickled with the version of American history that Garance has now stuck herself with. Because, as many party hacks have before her, she has just excised some of the most important heroes of American history.

Want to learn about the early history of the American press, the tradition Garance so proudly continues? Well, you're going to have to skip a bit, particularly the most celebrated example of the citizen journalist.

Want to understand what our forefathers were thinking when they drafted the Constitution? You might as well just make it up. Because our forefathers saw fit to write under a pseudonym so they're going to get the Garance treatment now.

Things don't get much better in the realm of foreign affairs. Want to read the cornerstone of the US Cold War policy? Better read the Cliff Notes, because that cornerstone just got excised. How about the history of our current enemy, Osama bin Laden? Are you interested in that? Because you're going to have to forgo one of the experts there, too, because he too first wrote under a pseudonym.

I guess, in one sense Garance's world is a better place. You get rid of some of the best gangsters when you get rid of pseudonyms. If only the NYPD could be so efficient. Though, it's a good thing. Because without folks like the Duke (no, not that Duke, the guy he got his nickname from), who would protect us?You'll lose some of the people fearful white people thought were gangsters, too. I bet J. Edgar Hoover wishes he had known that trick.

But it's not just African-American leaders. We'll lose one of the most famous African-American characters in American literature, Jim, because his creator didn't have the foresight to write under his real name.

Though you know, don't stop there. You've pretty much just condemned the best of American culture. We'll forgo the best in jazz and the best of rap. The hills will no longer be alive with the Sound of Music in Garance's world. Ricky will just have to fall out of love. Both halves of Thelma and Louise, too, gone, so we can be credible again. No matter, because we'll be stuck in Las Vegas after we get rid of the dreadful pseudonyms. No road trips in a green convertible, no travel somewhere over the rainbow either. And you'd better stop dreaming of  White Christmases in this pseudonym-free world, because we've gotten rid of that too. Purple Rain ... Maybe this pseudonym-free world is just a smart attempt to get around climate change? We lose our sense of humor, too, almost all of it, when we lose our pseudonyms.  We lose the blondes, the glamorous movie stars of old, the perfect 10s.

I'm particularly cross you've excised my favorite camp singer, who used to buy shopping carts full of Stouffers lasagna from me in the 1980s. Though I suspect others will forgive you this sin. They're probably more concerned that you've rid us of some of the real musicians.

Shit, even the journalist who brought us the best coverage of the last two presidential elections, something Garance knows a thing or two about, works under a pseudonym. If we get rid of pseudonyms, I predict, the times, they will stop changin'. Something we can ill afford at this stage of our history.

Because, you see, you don't have America if you don't have pseudonyms. Maybe Garance Franke-Ruta is willing to forgo the richness of America we'd lose without pseudonyms. Maybe Garance is willing to forgo the kind of call for freedom, all kinds of freedom, made under a pseudonym. But I, for one, am not.

Comments

[DemFromCT]

What would the Wizard of OZ be without Frances Gumm?

[emptywheel]

Oh, the places you'll go
There is fun to be done
There are points to be scored
There are games to be won

[emptywheel]

Actually, putting this together, you began to see real patterns of the peopel who used pseudonyms. African-Americans, in huge numbers. And immigrants or those with "jewish" names. I'm sure Henry Louis Gates would say there is a cultural reason for the common use of pseudonyms among African-Americans. But still, pseudonyms have, in many cases, served as great equalizers, a gateway to the American Dream.

[DemFromCT]

Sometimes it's better not to know,/a>.

[emptywheel]

DemFrom

An excellent of example of how neither a real name nor a pseudonym should grant someone credibibility. You earn it. And so long as you have a stable personality--whether it's called by the same name as you've got on your birth certificate or not--that's the person you should be judged as.

Take Baby Ben. He sucked as Augustine and as Ben Domenech. Pretty consistent. Just like Joe Klein.

[Garance Fake-Ruta]

At least with a pseudonym you know what you're getting... real names, on the internet, are just worthless vouchers -- even a dolt like, say, "emptypockets" could fake one

[Plutonium Page]

Well, on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

[G_d]

I actually hate it when people use my real name.

[emptywheel]

jonnybutter, that's hysterical.

I mean, if you are jonnybutter.

[morinao]

I think you mean JNNBTTR.

[emptywheel]

ut oh. sorry. always was a blasphemer.

[Edmund]

Great post but please change the link from Puff Daddy to something much better.

[DavidNYC]

I'm with Edmund. The whole post is great, but please, not Puffy!

[emptywheel]

Edmund

Done. And thanksf for the suggestion.

[skippy]

this is my real name.

[G_d]

I'm known by many names. Too bad you get it wrong most of the time, you Big Sillies. I don't know which irritates Me more: your calling me by the right name or the wrong one. Ha ha ha, just being my inscrutable, paradoxical Self.

BTW, I was the one to Make that little red flower smell sweet to you. Who's responsible for those factories in New Jersey? Figure it out yourself, suckas!

[freepatriot]

geez skippy, your parents did that to you ???

just tell us where your parents live. We'll get em for ya

btw, Freepatriot ??? not my real name

[freepatriot]

yo, emptywheel, off topic question:

whatch think of the "Rove Flipped" revelations ???

give us the scoop

[Elm]

Excellent post. While I think Garance Franke-Ruta has a legitimate point about disclosure, you're right that the problem of disclosure is nothing new and that her proposed solution is quite silly. Her policy of not responding to commenters who use pseudonyms, on the theory that she would not respond to letters to the editor that did not use real names, means she would not have responded to the Federalist Papers. And what if the U.S. had decided not to take those Papers seriously because, after all, the writers had an undisclosed conflict of interest having also been among the writers of the Constitution they were defending.

[semiot]

Not sure who I'd miss more, Publius or that Archie Leach fella - what's 'is real name?

[emptywheel]

semiot

Yeah, I did kind of slight Archie Leach, didn't I. I got a little distracted with the blonde bombshells and couldn't figure out how to work him in properly. The whole damn post ought to be rewritten with a little more respect and care, IMO!

[semiot]

I think Archie Leach turned out to be the best movie actor of all time - well, so far anyway.

You keep up the good work, and I don't mind if you leave a few bits for peekers and pokers like me to play with.

[Adam B]

Yeah, I really hide well.