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April 07, 2005


I used to get calls to join the Tom DeLay Small Business Roundtable all the time, little old me and my freelancing and my too-much-blogging. I think the entry cost was $2000, in exchange for which you got to MEET Tom DeLay.

After discovering that simply declining wouldn't get rid of them, I started challenging the telemarketers to explain exactly how Tom DeLay had helped small businesses. I started asking about ethical issues. I asked a lot of questions. Boy, I don't really like being mean to telemarketers, they're really just doing their job. But once they realized they couldn't answer a single one of my questions, they stopped calling.

But what do they win? Dinner with Terri Schiavo? A day spent with Tom DeLay watching him kill roaches? A cat disection with Bill Frist? Three hours at the Sign of the Beefcarver's all-you-can-eat buffet with Denny Hastert? Enron stock? A seat on the spaceship to Mars? Documentation that you hit your homeruns without the aid of peformance-enhancing drugs? A trip to Russia to hang with those buddies of Poot Poot who sold arms to Serbia and Iraq? Or just one of those t-shirts that says "51% of my fellow American voters picked Bush, and pretty soon all I'll have left is this crummy t-shirt?"

They get a plaque they can hang in the reception area. it's about the size of a diploma and can also be purchased on line.

Is there a quota on these awards ... or will the Chinese Republican Party soon flood the market with "Physician of the Year" knock-offs for contributions of as little as $12.50?

Fundraising scams to bilk their own supporters, including senior citizens. A scandal a day from "Hot Tub Tom" DeLay. Bill Bennett frittering away millions at some dank slot machine bank. James Guckert humping Marines for $1200 a day. Ed Schrock cruising for phone sex. "Doctors" in the Senate making videotape diagnoses (on end of life issues!) that would put Nick Riviera to shame. Pedophiles awarded "Republican of the Year."

It only took ten years to confirm that this party of paunchy, balding, sweaty mouthbreathers was, in fact, the gang of degenerates you secretly suspected.

What can I say? People falling for this kind of "Nigeria stunts" get what they deserve.

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